Buffoons of the World, Unite!

You have nothing to lose but your laughter

(An open letter to Donald Trump)

“[in the future] Almost all humans [will] work
to amuse other humans.” —Hans Moravec

Donald Trump
March 2016

Dear Donald:

What I admire most about you is that you are a buffoon. Now being a buffoon is a wonderful thing. The world needs a lot more buffoons. Too many people take themselves far too seriously. So take it from a fellow buffoon, there is no profession anywhere more important than buffoonery. I suspect you feel much the same way.

What? You question my credentials as a buffoon? Take a look at my gender identity cartoon. Note the “schlong” and the “pussy.” I introduced these concepts to presidential campaign discourse in September, months before you did. Actually, after your campaign called Ted Cruz a “pussy,” I felt badly about having left Ted out of my cartoon; so I did a separate cartoon for him. I think “empty warhead” describes him better than “pussy,” although, I admit it, it lacks the shock value.

My dictionary defines “buffoon” as a clown, someone whose outrageous behavior is a source of amusement to others. But I would go much farther than that. A really good buffoon pronounces, often in a loud or boisterous manner, the unexpected, utterances that contain a certain hint of truth or wisdom, rarely the whole truth, but just enough to shock or annoy (or should I say Shock and Awe). In truth, a buffoon has little use for truth, wisdom or justice. It's the shock value that counts.

Donald, until a few months ago, I never would have cared to be a billionaire like you. But now, after seeing all the fun you are having, knocking down opponents like ten-pins; I've seen the light. If I were a billionaire, I'd run for president. Donald, we could have a grand old time together, playing one-upmanship and wowing the muggles.

I particularly loved the way you took out Jeb Bush in that debate in South Carolina. Young Jeb didn't know what hit him when you said big-brother George made a “big fat mistake” and then lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And then when Jeb went running to his mummy for help, and you said, “Maybe she should be running.” — that was first-class buffoonery!

I've been saying for years, the whole US poliitical establishment is infested with clowns — but they are just penny-ante. You have showed them what a real buffoon can do — and they still haven't recovered. They are mere clowns; while you are buffoon par excellence.

Now I'm seeing all these ads by your opponents begging me to join them and stop Donald Trump. Even some commentators, that I used to think rather highly of, opine that they would sell their souls to the devil to stop Donald Trump. But the way I see it, if we are going to nominate a clown to run for president, and in the Republican party that's a given, lets pick the best dang clown we can find — and that, Donald, is you.

Don't get me wrong, Donald. The Democrats have their share of clowns too. Take Hillary Clinton, for example. Now there's a real clown. She's done so much flip-flopping, she can't even stand up straight. Was invading Iraq a big fat mistake? Was NAFTA good for the United States? She's on all six sides of the square. I'm not planning to vote for her, but just the thought of you ripping her to shreds in the final months of the campaign — it almost makes me want to see the two of you go down to the wire together. When it comes to one-upmanship and buffoonery, she's just not in your class — not even close.

Many folks are scared that if you were to be president, you would do all sorts of crazy things; but I want to set their minds at ease. As a fellow buffoon, I think I know exactly what you would do. You would perform the most outrageous acts you could get away with (and some that you couldn't). Why, you might even put your arm around Angela Merkel (except Dubya beat you to it). Here's something you could do that no US president has ever done. You could kiss Vladimir Putin (and chalk up another victory for Glasnost).

Some say you would make the United States the laughing stock of the world; but aren't we there already? Could you beat George W's “Mission Accomplished” stunt and then go on to fight 13 more years in a war which we are almost certain to lose?

Some say you are a bully; but could you beat Mitt Romney, who gave a little boy an unwanted haircut while his big bully-boys held him down? In truth, I can't remember the last time we had a president who wasn't a bully.

Could you make the United States into the incarceration capital of the world holding almost as many prisoners as China and Russia combined?

Could you sign “trade agreements” which cost the United States a whopping 5 million factory jobs over 15 years and then push for even more such trade agreements?

Could you vow if elected to close an offshore prison whose name is synonymous with torture and then leave it open for eight long years?

Yes, we could go on and on and on. Some may call you “crude, egotistical, bullying, self-centered, and vulgar;” but on these scores, the Washington DC establishment has you totally outclassed. Your true talent is buffoonery. Stick to what you do best. You will not get elected by pretending to be a “rational statesman.” If you win, you will win as a buffoon.

Donald, although I have absolutely no intention of voting for you, I admire you deeply. The 2016 presidential campaign would not be what it is without your participation.

Your talent for buffoonery would be wasted as president. The office of president of the United States requires tact, judgment and most importantly, the ability to care for and identify with all of the people, not just a few subgroups. Sadly, these are qualities which you lack.

This is why I have supported Bernie Sanders since before he declared his candidacy, and will continue to support him to the end.

Your friend in buffoonery,